I have learned that trying to comprehend relationships, in general, is very hard. As soon as you think you know what is going on and where you stand, the other half throws in some excuse, or some lie basically just anything that ultimately disappoints you and you are then back to square one.
I was in what I would call an on and off “thing” for three years. The fact I can’t even call it a relationship is my whole point in not being able to understand relationships. This “thing” was a toxic cycle that I felt I could never get out of.
It started off very casual just meeting each other on nights out and I was okay with that. It was when it hit the one-year mark, that I started to have more feelings and I noticed myself getting really jealous over silly things.
To stop myself from feeling this way I decided to call an end to it all and have no contact whatsoever. Running away from it was not the best idea as the feelings were still there.
From this, I learned that it would have been better to talk through things and see where we were at instead of constantly feeling jealous and trying to hide my feelings.
During these months of ‘no contact’, there still were texts sent and calls made when on a night out; adding upon the unnecessary drama that existed at times.
From the start, this behaviour was not good for me. I wasn’t giving myself any time to get over him, I was just slowly getting back into the cycle of unrequited feelings.
During the summer of the second year, things started up again between us but not surprisingly, only ended up again to only texts and a few random times where we actually chat to each other in person.
He would tell me things like “I make so much effort to talk to you and only you” and he made it out like he was doing so much to get my attention and to hold on to me. He would get my hopes up to eventually knock them down as I would see him with someone else a half an hour later.
I would always get so mad because of this and when I would let him know about it he would twist the situation around and he would make me out to be overreacting and it really just made me feel awful.
I couldn’t even see the warning signals in what he was doing and also in what my friends were telling me until it all ended for good. I have now learned that if anyone is making you feel bad for how you feel then they are not for you.
It is now after the third year, that it has officially come to an end. All the false hopes and plans that fell through and the constant feeling of disappointment is not my worry anymore.
The truth is, that I saw him as a comfort more than anything else and I didn’t want to let go of that. Which wasn’t the right way to feel, as he should have been someone I could depend on but that wasn’t the case. I learned the hard way but I am way better off now.
I am no expert on relationships, obviously, but I do know that being constantly let down and feeling like you aren’t good enough is not right.
Even though there was drama and lots of tears, it all was part of a bigger lesson. I learned a lot about self-worth and not to settle for anyone that treats you like you are second best or less. One final thing I would say is, that you should know your worth and never let anyone make you doubt that.