New year, new me, newtrition

It’s a New Year and that means resolutions aplenty. Often these resolutions revolve around fitness, weight loss and the general betterment of your physical and mental health. Fair play. Be wary though, the influx of newbies to the realm of fitness means that there are plenty of dodgy boys looking to cash in on your good intentions. You’ve got to navigate the treacherous waters of the internet with particular care, because there’s plenty of people online looking to give you free, useful advice whilst asking nothing in return. The absolute shysters. Not to fear though, I’ve got a collection of totally legitimate nutrition tips to set you up for the year ahead.
There appears to have been a surge in the popularity of vegetarian and vegan diets of late, for all kinds of reasons, ethical and otherwise. An honourable lifestyle choice indeed. If I had any kind of a conscience I’d probably stop eating meat as well. Those poor, defenceless animals are born and raised to serve nothing other than the relentless human hunger for consumption. Why should they reap the consequences of humanity’s hyper-capitalist destruction of the planet? They shouldn’t. Simple as. You know who does deserve to reap the consequences, though? Humans. Let’s eat them instead. They obviously deserve it, so there’s no moral quandary to deal with. They’re a cracking source of protein, necessary for building muscle. I’ve also heard, from a qualified doctor no less, that they’re quite delicious served with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
Liquid Lunch (And Every Other Meal)
Now I’m not a fancy, book learnin’ science man like that nerd Stephen Hawking, but I’m quite confident that anything served in liquid form can’t possibly contain any calories. You see where I’m going with this one, yeah? Drink everything. Every single meal. You’ll never be hungry and you’ll hit all your nutritional requirements absolutely no bother. It’s fool-proof. Any deeply-rooted guilt associated with your eating habits can be eradicated with ease. Remember the remorse you used to feel after a trip to McDonald’s? All you’ve got to do now is throw that Big Mac meal into a blender, down it in one and let all the regret melt away in a delicious haze of salty goodness. All that cutlery in your house? Throw it out. Never wash a dish again. You’ll only need two things in the kitchen from now on, a blender and an imagination.
Social Media Sadism
This one isn’t strictly a nutritional tip, more of a handy guide to control your eating. Those beautiful, awful, terrifyingly thin celebrities, bloggers and social media ‘stars’ firing unqualified advice at you from all angles? Listen to every single one of them. Develop every possible complex about your appearance. The more you unknowingly ingest subconsciously damaging images of false, digitally altered perfection, the more you’ll grow to hate yourself for ludicrous reasons invented purely to eradicate your confidence and make you buy things. You see, as your confidence evaporates, you’ll realise that you’re inherently broken and the only way to fix yourself is to invest in magic tea filled with laxatives or the latest cookbook of recipes made from locally-sourced, organic air. So, make sure to keep these morally bankrupt, super wealthy false idols propped up by submitting to damaging cycles of over-consumption and self-hatred. The more you convince yourself that your perfectly normal physical features are somehow deeply flawed, the more weight you’ll lose. Make the right choice this year, take the money you’d normally spend on food and give it all to vapid, contemptuous corporations instead.
There you have it, the perfect recipe for weight loss this year. Take a pinch of brutal crime against your fellow man, a dash of wilful ignorance and whole heap of self-loathing for a delicious, guilt-free 2017.