In a shocking revelation, music was recently found to be officially dead. That is to say that there is no more music. It is all dead. Past, present and future.
This devastating fact was discovered by veteran musician Sinéad O’Connor, who realised that by doing a photo shoot, Kim Kardashian had murdered music.
O’Connor is being hailed as a hero for her vicious attack on the Kardashian, saying bravely what no one else dared to say and realising that music was dead before anyone else did.
In discovering this, she ensured that the completely and utterly dead art form would no longer be violated by people making or enjoying new music.
Difficult times lay ahead for us now as all music will be pulled from the charts, iPods and mp3 players will be destroyed and all albums burned.
This is a decision the government has come to this week as it was deemed disrespectful to listen to the empty carcass of what music used to be before Kim Kardashian single handedly killed it.
Of course at this dark time it’s the children we have to think about. There are discussions on how to fill the gap in toddler’s language development now that nursery rhymes have been sent to the grave.
Nursery teacher Kate Jameson has expressed her fears that the children are too young to understand that music is dead and that all old favourites such as “Baa Baa Black Sheep” would now be illegal out of respect for the deceased.
“They just don’t understand,” a visibly upset Ms Jameson whispered to our reporter under cover of darkness. “They all burst out into song yesterday while a Garda car was outside. I couldn’t get them to stop, they think it’s a game. They’re all going to be arrested if they don’t stop – but how do you explain the death of music to toddlers?”
A first arrest was made yesterday afternoon by Gardaí in Limerick when an intoxicated woman started singing The Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” in a public area.
A bystander was quoted as saying, “It was just pure disrespectful. Did she not hear that music is officially dead. What does she think she’s doing singing the slowly rotting corpse of what used to be a living song?”
Former musicians of the world are slowly coming to grips with the fact that their livelihoods are officially dead. Justin Bieber and Rihanna have been spotted washing cars in downtown LA while other pop stars have not been quite so lucky, especially father-to-be Louis Tomlinson, who is reportedly going through bins looking for baby items such as clothes and a crib.
This is a new world for them. But then, it’s a new world for all of us. A quieter world. A world where music has officially died. All thanks to Kim Kardashian doing a photo shoot. Who could have guessed?