This Noonan chappy is the Finance Minister of Ireland, meaning that he’s in charge of all the big coin that the country generates.
And each year he writes a little book (or ‘budget’ if you will) which explains to everyone just how exactly he intends to spend said coin. With me so far? Excellent.
Anyway, today marks the release of Budget 2016, and this Noonan character couldn’t be happier. In truth this was a real soft-job budget, with the big Fine Geal boys absolutely reeking of wanting to appease the masses (big election coming up after all).
He’s just after delivering a budget that has managed to offend no one. Well almost no one. As long as I’ve got air in my lungs etc. etc.
You see Noonan really played his cards right. Every social group is coming out alright:
Have a kid? Free health care! Are you old? Have some coin! On the dole? You’re a class act, stay classy! Minimum wage job? Take more coin! Still smoking in 2016? Try to give up! But just in case you can’t, pay more for your fags!
Enjoy boozing? You’re golden! (Demon drink, the life-blood of our economy hasn’t been touched. In fact, if you like to brew your own, now there’s even more of an incentive to start fleecing that hooch!)
The only group of people that our class-act Finance Minister actually forgot to invite to the party was us, the poor, poor, pathetic, loser, low-life students of Ireland.
Look at them there, trying to get an education and balance having a job and a life. Good luck to them, they’re on their own. No coin for them!
But sure look, it could be worse. We could be staring down the barrel of a shotgun pointed directly at our wallets as we experienced full-well back in the big, bad recession days.
And according to the Noonan lad, the whole economy is f**king golden, and we’ll all be drinking crappuccinos and driving big f**k-off Mercs again in no time! Hurray! LOL JK *Sad face*.
Anyway the whole thing shtinks to high heavens for us pitiful students, but hey, at least when we finally break free of these academic shackles, there might be a few jobs to apply for.