It’s April. It’s the end of April. It’s basically May and the Easter break is over and you haven’t started anything.
St. Anthony, please find me some good grades.
Assignments, exams, assignments, exams. Where to begin? To Google search the Wikipedia summary of Hamlet or to begin a 3000 word essay on morality.
I know. Let’s watch Netflix. Let’s watch Netflix until you have a mental breakdown and you’re desperately trying to find 13 Reasons Why you should continue your college course and not drop out and live in a hedge.
You’ve already successfully studied at least seven subjects for the Leaving and have lived to tell the tale. If you can survive that, you can survive anything. That includes figuring out how to reference a secondary source – even if such a horrendous task does take 4 hours.
You’re gonna get a degree which means you can get a job. And a job means you can make money. And money means you can pay rent – which means no hedge dwelling for you. It doesn’t matter if your job is making chicken rolls day in day out. Yeah, that sucks. And yeah, you’ve been through 20 years of education and you could have a career on Wall Street instead of this. But it’s a start. And it’s rent. And you can’t ask for much more at the moment unless you want to go fisticuffs with the government (however I would totally support you if this was the route you wished to take).
You can only do your best, and your best is a million times better than hiding it your blankets, skipping an exam or missing a deadline. If you pass, you’re still winning. You’ve beat the system. You’re actively refusing to fork out 200 quid for absent mindedly memorising your online course notes over summer. Absent mindedly memorise them now, not in 2 months time when the sun is scorching, your friends are out drinking cans by the lake and your mammy has you locked in your stuffy bedroom until the repeat exam date rolls around.
If nerves tend to get the better of you, please know that you can tell the college and they can give you a separate room to sit your exam. This is a thing that I only found out about in my final year. I wish I knew about it sooner. It would have saved a lot of people getting freaked out by the girl sitting next to them bawling her eyes out unable to make her pen work on the soggy tear-soaked paper.
Overcome this small, painful hurdle and all systems are go for you to continue your independent college lifestyle. Otherwise, your parents will recruit you back to Cavan and your worst nightmare of living alone with 9 cats and a pet cow for the rest of your days will become a reality.
Make your family proud and jealous. We’re in the generation that’s typically the first of our kind to go to university. No doubt they think you’re a little Einstein. They will never truly understand the term ‘winging it’.
Be an inspiration for younger people. They will think you’re a fully functional amazing adult. Not only are you now Einstein to your parents, but you’re also a god to children worldwide.
You’ll feel good. I mean, I’m not saying you’re going to walk away from exam time feeling amazing, but you’ll feel a hell of a lot better than not having done it at all. And is there any better feeling than walking out of an exam and knowing you’ll never have to face that chapter of your life again?
Soon, you’ll be leaving your academic years behind you forever. No more lectures, no more tutorials, no more presentations, no more coffee-fueled all nighters getting stuck knee deep into SparkNotes, no more essays, no more exams. BUT ONLY IF YOU SEE THESE LAST FEW THROUGH. I believe in you.
You get to see the main exam invigilator with his corduroy jeans and Reebok runners stand on the table, unplugged microphone in hand making his ritual humorous pre-exam speech. You know the guy. Every college has one. At first you will cringe for your life but soon you will come to love him. See if you can spot a wedding ring or not, you might just be in luck this year.
Positives of making the exam invigilator your boyfriend: free exam answers, arm candy. Negatives of making the exam invigilator your boyfriend: none. But he’ll only be found in the exam hall, so if for no other reason, this is why you have to go.
You’re simply the best. Better than all the rest.
It’s true. And when it comes down to it, nobody knows what grade you get apart from you. If you get a D and you’re sorely disappointed, nobody needs to know. How will they know? They have no way of knowing. As far as they’re aware you’re a straight A student. And you deserve a ceremony in your honour.
The final day of exams is the best day of the year. It’s basically Christmas but exclusively for students. Whether you’re celebrating or drowning your sorrows when the time comes, it is the greatest excuse to begin a three month party. Lord knows you won’t get such an extraordinary opportunity once you’re thrown out into the big bad world.