Hannah Popham gazes into her crystal ball of b*llocksology to predict what lies ahead of you this week. The stars never lie (or something like that).

Pisces

During the course of your birthday celebrations, you’re going to have a bad reaction to an alcohol from a land far, far away. Think tequila, not New Zealand Marlborough Sauvignon. You’re not that classy. #Sorrynotsorry

Aries

Oh Aries, you little minx. You could do with an STI test and a little more self-respect. Stop pretending that it’s going to turn into a relationship, 2014 is not going to be the year you finally find love. Beware of redheaded lecturers.

Taurus

You’ve always been stubborn, but that thing you pulled last week in the canteen was the last straw. We’ve all had enough of your shit, Taurus. This is not a time to apply for jobs, something lucrative and highly illegal is coming your way in early March, wait until then.

Gemini

Look, one of your lecturers just hates you and always will. Don’t fight it. It looks like a night of Coppers, Heineken and self-loathing will be enough for you to temporarily forget that. Be careful on the internet, someone is fo’ sho’ catfishing you.

Cancer

You’re about to lose a lot of money in an idiotic way; be creative with it. Don’t trust anyone with freckles-they do not have your true interests at heart and are only pretending to share your secret love for the TV show, Extreme Couponing. I know it hurts.

Leo

Don’t book any holidays soon, you are about to have a royal falling out with the person you were planning to go to Magaluf with-they’re just jealous of your impeccable style and undeniable wit. They also think you’re an asshole. Oops.

Virgo

I hate to be the one to tell you this Virgo, but it is not still socially acceptable to wear deodorant in place of perfume or cologne. This isn’t the nineties. You’re going to have an extremely weird moment in a nightclub bathroom. I’m not sure what to say about this.

Libra

I know you think you’re extremely good-looking Libra, but I think it’s time you lowered your standards a bit. If you’ve ever wanted to try online dating-here’s your time to shine. You’re also probably going to be hit by a car but it will make for a mildly humorous story.

Scorpio

This is not going to be a pleasant week for you in work Scorpio. It looks fiercely like a customer is going to throw up on you and that you’re probably going to be underpaid. Again. This is life Scorpio it’s not always pretty.

Sagittarius

You’re going to have a very unusual encounter in the gym this week Scorpio, keep an open mind and an eye on your underwear. Stop wearing horizontal stripes; no-one is ever going to take you seriously. You should also definitely not book Garth Brooks tickets.

Capricorn

You know that weird thing you’ve always wanted to try in bed? Yeah, no one is ever going to think that’s normal. Serious potential for you to become an internet sensation with it this week though, if you’re brave enough. Don’t eat any chicken wings this week-you’ll choke and die.

Aquarius

As self-obsessed as you usually are, this week extremely important people will take an inexplicable, slightly ironic interest in your thoughts on euthanasia and the situation in the Ukraine. Don’t disappoint them.

Follow Hannah on Twitter: @bananapop2.