Our ed. Hannah Popham takes a look in her crystal ball to see what's in store for you this week. Can't say her predictions are pretty...

Aries

If your college course seems boring now, just wait for the second semester, you’ll eat your words. Your lifelong dreams of working as an accountant/barrister are going to just as dull, if not worse. Just think of how beautiful the Jaguar XK is going to look on your driveway in two years. It’s set to become the most interesting thing about you.

Taurus

Don’t let that recent injury hold you back from any of your long-term goals, Taurus. You can still make it to the dole queue with that old hurling injury before your mother realises how useless an arts degree truly is in the workforce. Can’t promise that your career as a renowned poker player will ever materialise though.

Gemini

We’ve all had enough of your two-faced shit Gemini. If your best friend’s plans for the year seem as diabolical as you truly think they are, you need to tell them. There are only so many breaks you’ll get while strawberry picking in Darwin before they end up on the side of a milk carton. While we’re on the subject, don’t wear white on Sunday.

Cancer

Someone you wouldn’t even think of has very damaging information about you that could ruin the budding modelling career you were always sure was just about to kick off. Let me tell you, it won’t get any better than that time you were paid €40 to stand on O’Connell St in your underwear handing out burritos.

Leo

No-one has heard your roar in a long time, Leo. And for good reason… That tickle in your throat is more than just a throat infection, let me tell you. You’ve never been much good at gambling but just this once one of your poorly-educated guesses at a big sporting event may by chance pay off.

Virgo

Things might be looking rough for you at the moment Virgo, but I can assure that all those pizzas and burgers you’ve been consoling yourself with won’t go to your thighs just yet. You’re about to discover a very alternative sport that you mightn’t want to tell your loved ones about. Think mud-wrestling with a lot less dignity.

Libra

It must really seem like you’re absolutely broke at the moment and that your bank account truly cannot get any emptier, I assure you, it can. You’re about to meet a friend/colleague/lover who particularly enjoys using you as a meal voucher. Try to enjoy the sporadic attention they give you.

Scorpio

Remember that exam you felt like you definitely failed but somehow passed? There was a bit of a mix up in the old additions department of your college, sorry… It’s also time to tell your room-mate how you really feel. And then swiftly move out.

Sagittarius

The weather is getting cooler and so is your romance, it’s time to buy a new coat in Penney’s bargain bin and head to Coppers. I can’t promise Lady Luck is to bring absolutely anything warranted to your personal life, it has to be better than your current ‘squeeze’ as they say.

Capricorn

You’ve always been a hard worker Capricorn, but it’s time to chill. You are never going to get that promotion in work, in fact most people think your constant effort to impress is not helpful but just vaguely annoying. A surprise call will bring very welcome cash monies but burden you with a debt to someone you will not want down the line, believe me.

Aquarius

Look, I hate to be the one to tell you this Aquarius, but it’s time to change your perfume. Stop kidding yourself. You are neither elegant nor classy. However, an unexpected run in with an ex is likely to surprise you, mostly in the self-deprecating humour it will produce.

Pisces

This weekend is set to be a bone-numbingly dull one I’m afraid with the majority of it spent slowly drowning in stranger’s spilt beer. We never said it was a glamorous life, Pisces. That being said, we see a definite offer of free garlic cheese chips on your horizon. Could definitely be worse.