Orla Murnaghan reports on the news story currently rocking the student body.
Staff and students alike of Trinity College Dublin were stunned yesterday to learn that one Junior Freshman has actually succeeded in achieving a legendarily impossible feat: getting a somewhat respectable photograph on their Student Identification card.
 
Laura Myers, just after celebrating her eighteenth birthday, caused a tidal wave of shock across Front Square amidst the chaotic Freshers’ Week as she swaggered out from the office with a proud grin and said I.D held firmly in hand, flashing it occasionally at by-passers for good measure. Whistles could be clearly heard from the stunned onlookers, and the occasional gasp from dumbfounded peers asking, “Jaysus, why couldn’t mine have turned out half day-cent like that?”
 
The young woman from Monaghan, in stark contrast to the vast majority of new university students, was indeed aware of the inevitable fact that she would be photographed on her first day of college. Ergo, she had solemnly vowed not to get “absolutely shit-faced” with her other friends at Dicey’s on the preceding night. Instead, she opted for a casual night-in, to avoid looking like she had been dragged through the burning infernos of hell.
 
“The secret to my success?” the nursing student asked, eyes wide and bright, “Preparation. It was really hard not to go on the sesh, but I knew if I did, I would be fecked for the next morning. It’s all about the night before, really. Eight hours sleep. Brush those pearly whites. Rinse and condition.” Miss Myers also casually informed us that she also made an effort the following morning, curling her hair with expensive-ass GHDs and shaping those uber-fleeky eyebrows.
 
The experience was nerve-wracking, she also admits. “There was a bright flash of light, and even though my eyeballs were on fire I managed to smile through the pain,” Myers quips, once again slyly taking the opportunity to display the photograph that doesn’t look like the lost member of a mug-shot exposition. Though perhaps not Instagram-worthy, the picture of the blonde lady is nothing short of above-average. Smiling gracefully at the camera with glossy lips, in such a candid manner, even we will concede that Myers’ photograph would be in the upper quartile of Student I.D photographs.
 
Does she see herself as model material? “Maybe,” Myers jokes, though there is a hint of sparkle in her eye that suggests she is already internally paving out her path to stardom. “I’m just hoping that this I.D photo is so dazzlingly distracting that it’ll let me into Coppers.”