Our Satire Editor Orla Keaveney is not impressed with the airline.
In a press conference today, Ryanair head Michael O’Leary has revealed that the issue with pilots’ leave has been resolved. However, flight cancellations will continue over the coming weeks, purely for his own sadistic amusement.
“Ryanair is a company founded on rules and regulations”, O’Leary stated. “We’ve worked hard to build a reputation as the airline to go to if you want loopholes and small print that come to bite you. Over the course of our history, we have devised new and depraved ways to make us money - and of course, get the customers from A to B. But I think this PR disaster has proven to be our greatest stunt yet.”
As many disappointed customers know, Ryanair’s usual tactic is to lure in customers with cheap airfares, before unveiling various extra, hidden costs. In recent years, it appeared that Ryanair were reforming their image, by laxing their restrictions and surcharges. However, this was revealed to be an elaborate ploy to lull customers into a false sense of security, so that their inevitable betrayal would be “even sweeter”, in O’Leary’s words.
To keep staff "in tip top shape", Ryanair bans them from unionising, and their annual leave. When the pilots began to demand their well-deserved holidays, O’Leary seized the opportunity to really stick it to the customers. “I mean, as misleading as our prices are, we’ve always actually delivered on the flight itself. We even got to our destinations on time, mostly so we could abruptly wake flyers with that annoying trumpet recording. But when we realised that we could get away with literally cancelling flights right from under people... it opened a whole new world of possibilities.”
In fact, O’Leary is hoping to roll out a new feature for the Ryanair app, which will record holidaymakers’ dismayed reactions when they learn that they’ve been stranded in a foreign country. “As much as I enjoy seeing the angry Tweets roll in, I really want to witness their misery first-hand.”
When asked if he was worried that this would cost the airline customers, O’Leary simply laughed. “What are they going to do? Pay Aer Lingus rates? I don’t think so.”
Looks like Ryanair have won this one.
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