Dear Eamo lad,

Now I know you already have the Irish under 25-year-old totally sussed out (not a hard job, like, I know we’re all, y’know, the same). I mean your incisive observation on how I spend all my time in front of a “flatscreen TV” was spot on. No doubt playing “the video games”, am I right?

But I thought I’d give you a rundown of the rest of my day, when I’m not glued to the box. As you already know that’s only a minuscule part of my time, but as my elected official who represents me (I mean we live very similar lives. Like I said, you already know what I’m like) I still think that I owe it to you, Eamo, to let you know how I spend my time when I should be working one of the many jobs out there.

Usually fall out of bed around midday. Like a good long lie in, because it’s really hard to fill the days when you have nothing to do. Anyway, I know Labour got my back so I can afford to take it handy.

I usually kick the day off with Tayto for breakfast. Not because I’m poor because my dole has been slashed and there are no jobs, I just, y’know, love Tayto for breakfast. A huge portion of the day, as y’know yourself, is spent in front of the auld “flat screen television set”. Usually settle down around 1pm, everyday pretty much, like, follows the same pattern.

I have a wank into a tenner as I watch Made in Chelsea on mute with Rattle by Bingo Players on in the background at 120 decibels so that the Sacred Heart of Jesus on my 70-year-old neighbour’s wall twerks. This is the national pastime for everyone under the age of 25, but I know you already know that.

Then I flick through the auld emails (Google on the flat screen, job!). Usually brimful of job offers but I spam them, y’know yourself, stress like. Takes a good half an hour to motivate myself to actually get up from in front of the “flatscreen TV”. Purely because I’m lazy, not because I’m depressed at the abysmal state of circumstances that my peers and I exist in. I’d be too politically unaware to even know that, like.

Shur I’ve never even voted. Again, it’s because I’m lazy, not because, like, I went to college outside of my constituency and I couldn’t afford to go home just to vote in a referendum.

Might head out for a stroll then if I’ve the energy and amn’t completely wankrupt. If I’ve the funds I usually do “the drugs” at some point, because that’s what I do as a young person, “the drugs”. Love walking around town chewing the jaws off myself listening to Rattle by Bingo Players. Just get such a buzz off it like. Much better than all those amenities for young people you invest all that money in. Actually, you should probably scrap all that.

Always walk around with a general air of contempt about me and a big f**king sour puss. Again, not because I’m unhappy with my position in society, y’know yourself Eamo – I’m 20, I wouldn’t be that self aware. It’s just because I’m young and have a right to be aggressive and, y’know, moody for no reason.

I always have my hood up too, not because I’m cold because I can’t afford heating  it’s because I get a kick out of scaring auld ones and further ostracising myself from society. I even wear it around my overpriced hovel of a flat now because I’m hard as f**king nails, not because I can’t afford heating. Y’know yourself, Eamo.I don’t feel the cold. Thankfully. Or hunger. I’ve got a deadly TV.

Then I go and get taco chips every day, because I’ve too much disposable income, not because I’m, like, poor and can’t afford, y’know, real food.

Anyway, that’s how I spend my day and dole money. I reckon that you already knew that but, like, felt I owed it to you. Gotta go man, have to go spend money I don’t have on another TV. You know what we’re like! Sound.

Here man, g’luck anyway if I don’t see ya. Might see you in Oz for the craic at some point. (I hear they’ve Supermac’s now!).

Regards,

Everyone under 25 in Ireland

xoxo