A spokesperson for the University of Ulster has said that students will have full access to the new corporate dining suite set to replace the Senior Common Room at the university’s Coleraine campus.
“Who will wait on us? The pheasant won’t present itself!” The Occupy Coleraine protesters, whose physical occupation of the common room ended on 19th December, have been approached by the university to stay on as waiting staff for the revamped corporate dining suite.
The spokesperson went on to say that the university would magnanimously allow students to continue to use the common room, or the Thatcher Room, as the area will henceforth be known, in the form of unpaid staff. “As long as they only speak when spoken to and don’t dirty the silverware with their grubby student hands when laying the tables.”
The university, who handle protesters according to the Idi Amin school of dealing with dissent, cut the common room’s supply of water and electricity while the protesters still occupied the room. The university also blocked the fire exits and stopped food from being delivered to the protesters. The university has promised that any scraps and leftovers remaining from all corporate dinners would be sold to the university’ student hardship fund at a very reasonable price.
The University of Ulster spokesperson said that though the common room was being commandeered, a suitable alternative would be made available to those wishing to have a space to come together in collegiality. “There are some cattle sheds out the back that we were going to turn into a spa for wealthy patrons and corporate sponsors but we learned that the walls were made of asbestos so we won’t be using it. They can have that if they want.”
During the Troubles, The common room was a haven for both sides of the community, allowing for open discourse in a safe environment. “We maintain that the space will remain non-sectarian. The dining suite will be open to Catholics and Protestants, unionists and nationalists. The only criteria we demand of people who use the revamped space is that they be wealthy and not students.”