Ministers "say" the budget offers plenty of opportunities for young people, as long as "they got balls and swag"

Government ministers have responded to protests by young people about measures in last week’s budget by telling them that, given the current financial climate, new economic opportunities had to be seized upon. Minister for Education, Ruairí Quinn, called for the youth of today to start thinking outside the box.

“Sh*t, these kids got to wise up and get street smart,” said Quinn. “That’s where the real education is.” The Minister went on to say that one of the aims of the fee hikes over the next two years was to increase the amount of students on the streets where, he said, “the real learning happens anyway.”

He went on to state that young people in Ireland have come to expect too much from the state and called for young people to a more active role in how their lives are shaped. He concluded his statement by asking “I mean, does nobody f**king hustle anymore?”

Plenty of opportunities

Minister for Finance, Michael Noonan, was in agreement with his cabinet colleague and said that the budget offered plenty of opportunities for young people to get ahead, as long as “they got balls and swag.” The Minister cited a lack of “cute hoor-ery” among young people today as the principal cause behind graduate unemployment.

“I mean we’ve scrapped the Air Travel Tax and raised the price of fags and booze. Put two and two together and hit the duty free. We’ve created a whole new [black] market for them to tap into. It’s just laziness, like. Do they expect us to do this sh*t for them? It’s no wonder they can’t get f**king jobs.”

Noonan said that this reluctance to challenge the status quo and subvert authority was endemic of the younger generations, who were too ready to just accept things the way they were, citing the USI protest on Molesworth Street on 1st October. “Yeah, lad, that was a clusterf**k. We just laughed.” The Minister encouraged more “wheeling and dealing, like”.

Quinn, citing his days as a radical activist in UCD in the sixties, agreed with Noonan that in the past young people would never have “taken this sh*t”. “I’da burned sh*t down” the Minister for Education quipped.

Too apathetic

The cabinet was in general agreement that young people were too apathetic and needed to roll up their sleeves and get their hands dirty. Young people in Ireland have become complacent and too reluctant to challenge authority. “I’ve always seen laws as, like, guidelines anyway,” said Minister for Justice, Alan Shatter. “The country was built on hustling.”

The budget also introduced a new Start Your Own Business scheme, in which people who have been unemployed for at least 15 months who start their own unincorporated business will be given a two year exemption from income tax.

Richard Burton, Minister for Jobs, Enterprises and Innovation, said the overwhelming air of brokenness about the country was the ideal climate to start small, independent ventures, likes brothels and speakeasies. Though Burton admitted that he knew “pimpin’ ain’t easy”, he said tough times called for hard work. “Basically to have any sort of standard of living you’re gonna have to work and hit up the dole office.”

Minister for Social Protection, Joan Burton, acknowledged that work was scarce but that there were opportunities out there. “F**k JobBridge, man. I still can’t believe they, like, took that seriously.” Minister Burton hoped that the current conditions might incite some young people to get into politics to try and change things. “The gravy train, man, gotta get on that sh*t. It’s, like, so handy.”