Eamon Gilmore today revealed that Labour’s policies since coming to power have been part of an elaborate two year piece of “performance art”, which has been part of the government’s centenary celebrations of the 1913 Lockout.
The Tánaiste said that the party had been performing, unbeknownst to the public, in what was supposed to be a piece of political theatre that replicated the results of the Lockout today. By replicating “the destruction of solidarity amongst the Irish people and the ultimate surrendering of socialism in Ireland to corporate interests”, Labour was commemorating that key event in Irish history.
“SURPRISE! It’s all been like a play! Nobody even guessed it!” exclaimed Gilmore as he stood on the table at the media conference today attended by all senior Labour members.
It was revealed that it was Fine Gael who proposed the policy as part of the coalition’s negotiations in 2011. “Enda said if we did it, we’d get to be in charge, but that we couldn’t tell anyone until he said so. He said we’d have fun and lollipops if we played,” whispered Gilmore from his new position beneath a red table cloth as he hid from Minister for Public Reform, Brendan Howlin, who, it appeared, was now “on”.
Frances Fitzgerald, Fine Gael’s Minister for Children and Youth Affairs, was the only member of Labour’s coalition partners to attend the conference, as it came under her department. Fitzgerald was only available for brief comment.
“This is not what I f**king thought the job was about,” said Fitzgerald as she chased Ruairí Quinn around the press room. “Put your f**king shirt back on, you little bastard!”
The Minister revealed that she had been designated with overseeing the project as, by nature, it fell under her brief. The position of Minister for Children and Youth Affairs was created in 2011 with the forming of the coalition. Before the current government, the position was called Minister for Community, Equality and Gaeltacht Affairs but Fine Gael deemed it prudent to rename it given the nature of the coalition.
“I love games so it was easy-peasy for me,” said Pat Rabbitte, Minister for Communications, Energy and Natural Resources, before being caught by Minister Howlin. “It’s like playing dress up with ties’n’suits’n’all! Like being a real grownup!”
Amid claims by some that to take part in such a policy was “politically naive”, Gilmore retorted: “Enda said it’d be like a panto! I love pantos!” Several journalists pressed the Tánaiste with regards the prudence of such a move when there was a country to run, but Gilmore quickly became belligerent. “I don’t have to listen to you! Enda said I don’t have to!” He then ran away.
Further questions directed towards the other ministers were refuted with collective cries of “OH NO WE DIDN’T!!!” followed by high fives and fits of giggles from members of the Rialtas.
It emerged that most backbench Labour TDs were, in fact, unaware of this party policy. Colm Keaveney, who lost the whip and resigned from the party due to his disagreement with policies now revealed to have been “part of the play”, was taken back at today’s revelations. “Are you f**king joking? Please tell me you’re f**king joking.”
“I’m gobsmacked. I thought they were just spineless-turncoat-champagne-socialist-gombeen men, but it turns out they’re just f**king idiots,” said former Labour TD Patrick Nulty, who now sits as an Independent having lost the party whip for voting against the VAT increase in 2012.
Later in the day, several Fine Gael ministers commented on the issue. Dr James Reilly, Minister for Health, said that he was “weary” after two years of “putting up” with Labour. “It’s hard work, keeping those tykes in line. They’re forever jumping on the f**king seats”, said the minister, who was available for comment outside Leinster House, lighting a cigar off of a burning hospital bed.
Enda Kenny was approached for comment on how he managed to set Labour’s agenda and have them keep quiet for two years by having them believe that it was “a game”. However, the Taoiseach just gave the finger, screamed “EAT THE POOR!” and drove off in his ministerial car, leaving behind a cloud of exhaust fumes smelling oddly of medical cards.