With the UCC elections in full swing, chlamydia and STI’s are a thing of the past as a new epidemic sweeps the college campus: toothaches and fillings. The reason? Shameless candy-coated bribes.
Students across various courses have been spotted holding their cheeks, lecture halls have been filled with harmonious groans worthy of barbershop quartets and empty pockets as a result of the upcoming SU Elections.
The department most affected by this? Dental students, who woefully claim, “to have known better, but they just looked so damn good.” One unfortunate student reportedly spent €800 on a dentists bill, leaving him sober as a judge and the dentist donating bountiful amounts of Haribos and lollipops to hopeful candidates.
SU Welfare candidate Liam says that, “it never meant to get this far, sweets make people happy. I want people to be happy.”
Potential visitors to the campus are warned that another pandemic is on the horizon; sweet craving, sugar crashing students.
Since conducting this interview, Liam has amended that if elected, he will assure that there will be sweet stands and lollipop available in every lecture hall. He just wants to make people happy.