The people behind We’re Not Leaving have begun a new campaign, We’re Coming Back, with the aim of gaining the right to vote for Irish emigrants. Ireland is currently one of only three European countries that do not allow any form of overseas voting for expatriates, despite soaring rates of emigration.

It has today emerged that Minister for the Environment, Phil Hogan, has been behind the country’s recent bad weather – the Government‘s new strategy of dealing with Ireland’s emigrants and ensuring that they do not, in fact, come back.

Hogan has been spotted in the gardens behind Leinster House, chanting and dancing around a pyre of burning money, reportedly praying to the gods of weather, injustice and forced migration.

“Mother of God, sure we don’t listen to the ones that are here, what hope d’ya reckon there is for the ones who’ve left?” laughed the Minister. “What’d be the point of forced emigration if they still had a say?”

The Tánaiste, Eamon Gilmore, spoke about the issue of returning emigrants at a press conference this morning. “Jesus Christ, Irish immigrants have to be the worst. I can totally emphasise with British and American administrations of the 19th century. I wish these f**king Paddies would go back to where they came from.”

The Tánaiste said that, when it came to dealing with returning emigrants, as with most policies Labour liked to follow the example set by Tory governments of the 1880s. Gilmore quoted his motto, which he says he has borrowed from his hero the reactionary Conservative politician, the Marquess of Salisbury, "Whatever happens will be for the worse, and therefore it is in our interest that as little should happen as possible."

Taoiseach, Enda Kenny, has spent January travelling up and down the coast of Mayo screaming at the waves, commanding them to do his bidding and keep the “swarm of returning locusts” at bay. “I swear to the gods of death and grandeur that no filthy Irish immigrants will set foot on this sacred isle!” Kenny purportedly roared into the westerly gales. Kenny, alongside Hogan, has personally assumed responsibility of marshalling the elements to keep the unwashed masses from descending on their homeland.

A source from high up in the civil service has gone on the record as saying that, even if the government wanted the emigrants to return, it would be an impossibility due to a clerical error. “See we spent hundreds of thousands on documenting them as the New New Irish. But then we thought that sounded silly so we had to overhaul the system and rebrand them the New Old Irish, and that cost nearly half a mil. But then the government just decided not to let them back at all, so we just walked away from the whole mess altogether, y’know yourself.”

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