Is exam time and essay deadlines becoming too much? Is this your tenth time today declaring that you're dropping out? Fear not, we give you some viable options to consider when you ultimately drop out of college.
We’ve all been there, the post exam celebrations have slowly dwindled away and all you’re left with is a sore head, empty bank balance and a nagging feeling that your summer holidays will consist of cramming for repeats instead of drunkenly flaunting your great taste in music at Electric Picnic. At drastic times like these it’s easy to let one’s mind wander and come to the conclusion that your only option is to drop out.
I’d be lying if I said that study week hadn’t reduced me to an unstable blubbering mess in the middle of the library, vowing that “no amount of degree is worth this kind of bullshit”. It happens to the best of us, but have no fear my academically tortured children, because your fairy job mother (also known as Rebecca on the weekends) has compiled a list of 5 fool proof options awaiting you out in the real world for when that whole college idea goes out the window.
Audition for The X factor
Whether you’re a fan of the show or not, no one can deny Simon Cowell’s ability to turn Tesco till staff into semi relevant public figures in the space of a few weeks. It doesn’t matter if your vocal capacity resembles that of Sam Bailey or Kermit the frog, if you’re mildly entertaining and fill that years cringe quota then you are almost guaranteed your 15 minutes of fame (and possibly a Heat magazine spread, but that’s only if you’re lucky). I mean who needs a degree in Biomedical Engineering when you can just as easily do club appearances to fund your lavish lifestyle?
Work in Supermacs
Do you love being demeaned and degraded by students as they stroll in following an extensive night out and act like they own the place? Are you the kind of person who loves cleaning up curry cheese chips that have been smeared across the floor by a girl who just can’t seem to balance herself in her new sky high heels? Then this my friend is the job for you. Sure you’ll get pulled to work every excruciating night shift and end up ushering out some poor shaken up first year crying on the floor of the toilets, because they’ve yet to come to terms with their limit. But hey, isn’t that worth the minimum wage and sexy uniform you get to work every shift?
Start your own multimillion dollar company
Bill Gates, Walt Disney, Richard Branson, Steve Jobs. Enough said.
Sell yourself for cash
Now don’t worry it’s not what you think, I’m talking about anything that’s not vital to your existence. Items such as sperm, blood, and hair can go for big money if you know where to look. I mean chopping off the long, luscious locks you’ve been growing out since transition year and auctioning them off online for god knows what doesn’t seem like the ideal way to live your life, but we’re running out of options and a girl’s got to eat! If you’re really desperate, and I’m talking final resorts here, I’d contemplate seeing how much you could get for the ol’ soul as well. I’m not sure how you’d go about it, but give it a google search and get back to me.
If all else fails or you’re just too lazy to even attempt any of the above options, pack up, admit defeat and move back in with the parents. Sure you’ll have to live with the constant nagging of “When are you going to get of your arse and get a job?” or the threat of “I swear to god if you don’t do something with your life I’m cancelling the Netflix subscription”, but you also get home cooked meals, all your washing done for free and the sweet, sweet knowledge that you never have to memorize the 5 P’s of Renaissance literature for as long as you live. You may not be able to pull anyone on a night out and bring them back to your place, but who needs that when you have the beautiful luxury of unlimited TV and internet access?
While most of these ideas might not be considered “Smart life choices” or “Heading in the right direction” you are destined for a bit of cash and some hilarious stories to tell the kids
(and lots of them if you pick option 4). Whether you decide to stick with getting a degree and doing something considered “worthwhile” with your life, or if the pressures of college just
aren’t for you, you’re now well equipped for whatever life throws at you, well, kind of.
Photo: Michael Dorausch/ Flickr