You’ve moved out of student accommodation, away from the ever-present campus security. You’re having a small get together with just a few friends, sipping nothing stronger than lemonade of course, when all of a sudden there is a knock on the door. “Good e

This is probably the most annoying thing to happen to any party. You’re completely convinced you weren’t making any noise whatsoever when in fact, the combined sounds of your friends talking, shouting and laughing, plus the head-melting volume of the music, was akin to the sound of a small circus. These things are hard to understand when intoxicated. So what do you do when your party is crashed by the fuzz?

DON’T turn off all the lights and pretend you’re not home. You are not in an American college movie. This doesn’t work, it hasn’t worked, it never will work. Bear in mind: the Gardaí are perfectly sober, so your drunken logic means absolutely NOTHING to them. This rule especially applies if they’re already in the house (yes, we do get that stupid when inebriated). A small breakaway faction may decide to sequester themselves in a bedroom, but you know that approximately ten seconds later a Garda will open said bedroom door, switch on the lights and say exasperatedly: “Guys, we know you’re in here.”

DO open the door. Open the door, greet them, ask them what the problem is. They probably don’t want any trouble themselves - they’re might be tired from working the night shift. They might even be jealous of your youth and freedom to party (to make use of that wearisome verb). So don’t be alarmed if they decide to have a little game of Guitar Hero, while you sit, pinned to the sofa with terror because you’re like 100% sure they’re going to arrest you for drinking in your own house (which may or may not have actually happened in some shape or form). Like I said - DRUNKEN LOGIC. It doesn’t even come close to making sense.

DON’T make them call again. If they were nice enough to say “Just keep it down lads” and leave, chances are they won’t be so nice the second time. So turn down the music, tell everyone to come inside, and try to move them to the room in your house that is furthest from your nearest neighbour. Tip: Do not trust your ears at this point. How many times has someone asked you to turn up the music, only for you to find it’s at up the highest volume already? Exactly. Congratulations, you are temporarily half deaf. Try to keep that in mind.

DO what they tell you to do. I know I sound like such a goody-two-shoes, but looking down from my lofty perch in final year, I can say that things generally turn out better when you don’t deliberately and unashamedly flaunt the rules laid down by the Gardaí. And as easy as it is to complain about your neighbours for being No Craic, well, try to be a little more sensitive. Remember, you’re probably going to be in the same position some day, with a job and maybe a baby, having to deal with the students having their “all night parties” with their “Jaeger-bombs” and “cans of Dutch”. And when you are in that position, how many of you can say that you are not going to call the only people who can assure you of an undisturbed night’s sleep? I for one am looking forward to my future role as party pooper. It must be immensely satisfying, crushing someone’s fun that way.

A party-related run-in with the Gardaí is going to happen sometime (unless you have the equipment for a silent disco), so it’s best that you be prepared. You’re welcome.