For anyone that's single, however, it's just another day; another day to season your oven-bake pizza for one with snotty tears as you cry thinking about how alone you are in the world. Isn't that right? Isn't it?
No, it's not right. To be quite frank, the world has got being single completely backwards. IT'S NOT THAT BAD. I don’t feel pitiable at all. Most of the time I don't even think about my singlehood, except when I'm forced to by the powers that be; the twin evils of Hollywood and women's magazines.
I mean, how many films can you name where the protagonist (or any character, for that matter) is shown to be having even an OK time being single? Single people in films are always somewhat unfulfilled, just going through the motions, or else laughably desperate and unlucky in love, failing in every attempt to find a partner. Then, at just the right time, a tall, dark, spontaneous stranger or manic pixie dream girl comes along to fix them up. For the former, see any movie with Katherine Heigl in it; for the latter, (500) Days of Summer and Garden State.
Similarly, women's magazines are built around the quest for love, with more "How to"' articles than you can shake a stick at. If you're single and not constantly primed to sniff out even the faintest scent of something that may or may not be a relationship - girl, what's wrong with you?! You want to be alone for the rest of your life? Not really, I just want to look at pretty pictures of clothes without being informed of fifty flirting tricks men love that I need to try NOW. I discovered, to my great relief, that Cosmopolitan provides readers with a list of the reasons why it's great to be single (because of course, you need to be reminded, because you just broke down in Easons thinking about your unending loneliness), nestled in between "Seven Things Men Wish Women Knew" and "Ten Women Men Desire Most". However, I closed the tab upon reading reason number 14: "With more time to work out and less temptation to chow down on guy-friendly junk food, you're more likely to squeeze into the skinniest of skinny jeans." (Good one, Cosmo! Reaching for the Doritos as I type.)
It's not only us poor plebs on the street who are reminded constantly of how awful it is to be alone - celebrities have to deal with their lack of a love life being spoken of in hushed, pitiful tones. How many times have we seen photos of Jennifer Aniston (pre-Justin Theroux, obviously) out doing the messages, with "a source close to the star" bleating about how she was "lonely" and "looking for love" in the paragraph underneath? This sort of stuff is pervasive, just as much as looking at pictures of skinny actresses or pop stars makes us feel like our bodies aren't up to scratch. And just like those pictures, we need to consider the possibility that these statements are "airbrushed", banged on to the end of an article for a bit of drama. Jen was probably just thinking about whether it was more economical to buy Charmin or Andrex, and not about if two-ply tissue would sufficiently mop up her tears of loneliness.
Whenever I feel particularly down about my singlehood - again only after I indulge in a particularly icky romantic comedy, or read a particularly icky magazine - I think of Beyonce.
Beyonce, who (may or may not have, depending on who you believe) composed the lyrics: "I depend on me" and "Who run this motha? GIRLS!"
Beyonce, who seemingly didn't have any boyfriends until she was satisfied that she had completely taken over the world and deigned to marry Jay Z.
It's time to end the offensive notion that single people are one half of a whole, wandering about, looking for someone to connect with so they can be happy. We are all whole. We are all Beyonce.