My application to the FA to be the next England manager.
Last night, in a wild fit of boredom and creativity, I decided to e-mail the FA to put my name forward for the vacant managerial position after the resignation of Fabio Capello. It took a while, and many cups of tea, but I think I got my point across. Here is a transcript of the e-mail I sent them:
Good evening. Firstly I would like to commend you on that fine job you did with dispensing with the captaincy services of that reputable, racist git John Terry, he was an awful gobshite. My name is Conor O'Riordan and in light of the recent resignation of Fabio Capello, I would like to put my name forward for consideration when choosing a suitable replacement for Mr.Capello. I'm 18, I'm a student and I'm Irish. Now it may seem far-fetched that I, a mere layman, replace one of the most revered managers in football history but if you bare with me I think you may realise that this could in fact be quite fruitful for all parties concerned.
To the naked eye it may seem that I am rather lacking in this department but if you were to open your mind you would realise that I am as qualified as any of your Harry Redknapps or Alan Pardews or Martin O'Neills. Firstly, I have the same amount of league titles and European Cups as Harry, Martin and Alan combined. Secondly, I have never lost a competitive international while the manager of an international team (My spell at the British Virgin Islands may have slipped under the radar but it was a fruitful time for all concerned. Especially the British Virgins). Thirdly, my football management skills have been thoroughly tested by a hi-tech simulator which tests the cognitive and reactionary ability of managers known as Manager Mode in FIFA 11. After four seasons managing Coventry City FC, I led the Warwickshire side to Premier League and Champions Cup success beating footballing powerhouses such as Manchester United, Barcelona and Stoke City along the way. My shrewd investment in players as far flung as Jean-Louis Akpa-Akpro from Rochdale to Yoann Gourcuff from Lyon supplemented the local talent already there beautifully. I played an attacking 4-2-4 formation which obliterated most opposition defences. What really set me apart from my contemporaries however was my uncanny playing style which commentators described as 'Arsenal on steroids'. I believe this style would transcend well to the international stage.
My vision for England
I love England. I love Kate Middleton, I love curry and I love Jeremy Kyle and all his funny looking friends. I want to restore England to her rightful place at the top of world football. I have a long term plan which, if applied properly, would establish England as the footballing superpower in 20 years time. It involves genetically mutilating and combining the sperm of Wayne Rooney, Theo Walcott and Ledley King and embedding it in the uteruses (uteri?) of 11 young, English women. This way the offspring would be as skilful and handsome as Wayne, as quick as Theo and as hard as nails as Ledley. It would be a tricky and expensive process but I assure you in 20 years time when you see 11 albino chavs taking the field for England and pummelling Spain and their fancy tika-fucking-taka into the ground you will thank me. In the short-term, I advise a few simple squad alterations that would galvanise the English team in no time. The first one involves locking Gareth Barry in a shed for the duration of Euro 2012. The second one involves bringing back Paul Gascoigne for A. We all love Gazza. B. If Gazza, Andy Carroll and Rooney played together up front for England it would surely be the prelude to a shift in the space-time continuum which would result in the transportation to a new universe where England can actually win trophies. C. We all love Gazza. Thirdly, I have recruited a talented young forward to complete the attacking quartet. His name - Colm Cooper. Cooper is a rather proficient footballer from the hills of County Kerry, Ireland. He is not English but I have acquired a semi-real English passport and have taught him how to speak in a strong cockney accent by watching episodes of Only Fools and Horses with him. He sounds like Trigger. Before you ask if I have FIFA clearance, of course I do! Sepp owes me. I did him a favour regarding fine wine, nun uniforms, whips and women a few years ago and he owes me big time. This would be my desired team for England -
G. Neville ____̶T̶e̶r̶r̶y̶___King_________A. Cole
(Yes, really) RIO
________Fat Frank_______JOEY BARTON_______
________Wazza__________ANDY ANDY CARROLL
Smashing, I think you'll agree. Especially Joey Barton. Every team needs Joey Barton.
I hope you enjoyed my e-mail and will thoroughly analyse it and come to the realisation that the best way forward for the English National Team lies in the hands of an Irish teenager. After all the pillocks ye have employed since Sir Bobby stepped down, ye'd be mad not to at least give me a chance. Salary would not be a problem. All I ask is the basic industrial wage and an annual meeting with Russell Brand. Cracking stuff boys. Thanks for your time.
Mise le meas,
And yes, I actually did e-mail them. Here is the proof in pictures.
Bit of a laugh sure. But at the same time, deadly serious and I expect a reply. Peace and love.
Conor is a regular contributor to Campus.ie. If you would like to view more of his work you can visit his blog at: http://snappyshit.blogspot.com/