By Hannah Popham

Every Christmas brings its own triumphs and tragedies when it comes to items your loved ones have decided are a necessary addition to your life.

I myself have been given such a diverse trove of strange Christmas gifts-everything from children’s toothpaste at the age of 19 to an inexplicable food thermometer for chicken received last year in a bid to encourage me to cook. If it’s only some vomit-coloured novelty reindeer socks you receive this year, count yourself lucky that you didn’t have to unwrap any of these...

1. Shittens

I’m not sure what kind of a situation, or even worse, what kind of a digestive problem would warrant hand-shaped wet wipes. According to the websites trying to sell them, “Shittens are the revolutionary new way to wipe up and clean up faeces while protecting your hands” and are suitable for “your baby, your dog or your slowly deteriorating mother-in-law”. Personally I preferred my life before I learned of their existence.

2. Bacon body wash

I’m not sure the perfume department in Brown Thomas has anything directly inspired by fried pork products-and probably for good reason. This shower gel is marketed as “the perfect way to put everybody you meet in a good mood”. The dogs that will inevitably attack you will definitely love it.

3. An eggbox of odd socks

The real advantage with this present is that each part of it is equally useless and consequently you can easily make your own. Marketed as a weird answer to those infuriated by constantly losing socks in the washing machine, the box contains an “egg-straordinary” (I wish I was joking) “15 different possible combinations”, which just makes me just want to embrace every fibre of OCD in my being. It could well go down in history as your worst Christmas present.

4. Yeti ice-scraper

This incomprehensible ice-scraper seems a bit like the kind of thing that would act as a very quick deal-breaker if you were to find it in a date’s house. I’m assuming it would only suit the kind of people who love the feeling of cold, wet dog on their hands when they’re in a rush for work and can’t see through their windscreen because it is already so cold out.

5. Ear guards

I have watched far too many episodes of Monsters Inside Me for this not to be absolutely terrifying. This gift will not only protect your ears but give you endless nightmares too. Because, as the manufacturers remind us: “Bugs love exploring orifices they don't belong in.”

6. Egg poncho

Because nothing says hilarious like looking like a wet fried egg while bus drivers splash dirty rain water on you as you walk by. This poncho seems like something that would not go entirely astray in a serial killer’s bedroom. Unless you are willing to wait ten months to debut it as an ironic Halloween costume, everyone will probably be right to think that you’re cracked (sorry).