Don't want to follow the news? Bluff it.

Here are five things you should pretend to know this Wednesday.

Feckin’ midges

The Obama women were absolutely “ett” alive by the midges yesterday. Before finishing up their two-day trip to Ireland, Michelle Obama and daughters Malia and Sasha were given a guided tour of Glendalough, Co Wicklow. But the flippin’ midges came out in storms and ate the heads off them. “Bloody ‘midgets’,” said one garda, using the local pronunciation. “They’re a menace.” The Obama women then headed off Finnegan’s pub in Dalkey where they ate lunch with Bono and the family. Chef Donal Finnegan was then ett alive by the press pack who wanted to know what had been on the menu. With the G8 summit up North, the journos in the Republic are absolutely starving for a bit of news.

Pimps and prostitutes

Oh, it appears Clare Daly knew journos were starving for a bit of scandal. Speaking in the Dáil today, the TD attacked the Government and the Irish media for the ‘glowing’ coverage of the Obama family’s visit to Ireland this week. The United Left Alliance deputy accused Taoiseach Enda Kenny of “prostituting” Ireland to president Barack Obama. She told the Dáil she was surprised Enda hadn’t dressed his ministers in leprechaun hats decorated with stars and stripes. “You Taoiseach…showcased us as a nation of pimps – prostituting ourselves in return for a pat on the head,” she said in a speech Enda described as “disgraceful”. Thanks Clare, that’ll give us plenty to chew over.

Man U reLEASEd

Manchester United’s 15-year lease for their store will finally come to an end in 2015 – 13 years after the store closed. The football club has been paying dearly for signing long-term contracts in 2000 to lease the Lafayette building at the junction of Westmoreland Street and D’Olier Street. The store was opened with a massive street party, but folded in about two years. Since then, the club has been paying annual rent of €520,000 until 2015.

By-jaysus

A candidate who ran in the Meath East by-election has been referred to gardaí after failing to file details of election donations and expenses. Ben Gilroy, who came fourth in the election, picked up 6.5 per cent of the vote and finished ahead of Labour candidate Eoin Holmes. “The gardaí were on to us,” Gilroy said. “The documentation is like a phone book of stuff you have to fill out. But we’ll be putting it in this weekend and they are happy enough.”

Flann fest

The second International Flann O’Brien conference kicked off today in Rome. Around 100 academics from universities across the world will attend the conference to discuss the writings of Brian O’Nolan – better known as Flann O’Brien and Myles na gCopaleen. The Tyrone man never travelled to Rome, but the city featured in his 1960 novel The Hard Life. O’Nolan featured a religious character by the rude name of Father Fahrt in the novel in the hope that he would earn a ban and have it legally overturned – the censor didn’t rise to the occasion. However the name has been immortalised by the Father Fahrt Memorial Prize for works of scholarship on the work of Flann O’Brien. The subject of this year’s conference is Problems with Authority.