We digest the news so you don't have to. Here are five things you should pretend to know about this Wednesday.

Oldest man ever dies

Jiroemon Kimura, the oldest man ever, has died aged 116. The Japanese native was born 19 April 1897. According to the Guinness Book of Record, Kimura was the first man in history to have lived to the age of 116. The oldest living person is now 115-year-old Misao Okawa, who is also from Japan. Measures to replace late night 3 in 1s with Japanese sushi have yet to be introduced to increase longevity in Ireland.

Kenny urination

Fianna Fáil senator Marc MacSherry has accused Taoiseach Enda Kenny of “urinating” on the Seanad with his criticisms of its role during the economic crash. MacSherry said to the Cathaoirleach Paddy Burke: “You’ve allowed [Kenny] to urinate on this house.” We always knew Enda was taking the piss. Watch the angry scenes here.

Greek TV

Greece’s two largest unions have called a 24-hour general strike for Thursday to protest at the government’s decision to close state-run TV and radio. Broadcast signals went dead early today, hours after the government closed the Hellenic Broadcasting Corporations. The government cited the need to cut “incredible waste” as the reason for closing the state broadcaster. What would happen if RTÉ cut incredible waste from its budget? The cast of Fair City would be out of a job.

Shut up will yeh

While preparing to speak at a press conference, Australian soccer coach Holger Osieck said “women should shut up in public.” Upon realising the comment was being recorded, the “charmer” followed this up with: “Are you recording that one? I’m going to be the darling of all Australian wives…women.”

Gaga

And finally, sticking with exams, students sitting the Junior Cert business studies exam at higher level were asked in a pie-chart question how does Lady Gaga liker her steak. The four possible answers were: well done, rare, medium rare or RAW RAW RAW. Even the State Examinations commission thinks the JC is a bit of a joke.