Don’t want to follow the news? Bluff it.

Here are five things you should pretend to know about this sunny Monday.

Summer extended till Sunday

Met Éireann predicts that the sunny spell the country has experienced the past few days is to last until at least Sunday. Temperatures are set to hit 27 degrees in some parts of the country today and are expected to remain in the mid-to-high twenties for the remainder of the week. There will be the odd patch of mist and cloud of course – just so the nation still has something to complain about.

In bed with Angela

In the least erotic statement ever made, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden said that Germany’s politicians and secret service were “in bed with” their US counterparts. Snowden told Der Spiegel magazine that the NSA’s surveillance methods were “practically boundless”.  He said that part of NSA’s success was down to the fact that Germany’s secret service (the BND) was “as much in bed with” the NSA “as most other western states”.

Popehumbile

In papal matters, Pope Francis has said that it hurt him to see priests driving flashy cars, and has asked that trainee clergymen pick something more “humble”. In a Dalai Lama-esque statement, the Pope told young priests and nuns around the world that having the latest gadget, fashion accessory or car was not the route to happiness. “A car is necessary to do a lot of work, but please, choose a more humble one,” he said. “If you like a fancy one, just think about how many children are dying of hunger in the world.” Francis is proposing that young priests think of bangers as well as bangers.

You are my sunshine

The cassette industry is set to see another increase in sales this week – recordings of secret interviews with the late IRA bomber Dolours Price have been handed over to the PSNI, which is investigating the disappearance of Belfast woman Jean McConville. PSNI officers travelled to the US to collect the tapes from Boston College, which are understood to include allegations that Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams ordered McConville’s kidnapping and murdering. Over the years, the Bearded One has repeated denied ever being a member of the IRA. He responded to the tapes allegations in his usual manner by refusing to comment and instead tweeting a bizarre message – this time he posted the lyrics of You Are My Sunshine in response to the sunny weather.

Pun city

Just to prove how slow this news day is, here’s a generic story about a man dressed in a superhero costume who saved the day in real life. 24-year-old Luke Junior tackled a shoplifter while dressed as Superman. Luke was wearing the costume during a charity fundraiser when he saw a thief running from a store. Families cheered the real-life hero on as he made a citizen’s arrest until two police officers arrived at the scene in Sheffield. Sheffield is nicknamed Steel City, which opens the floor for this mega pun: Luke Junior is the real life Man of Steel who caught a thief trying to “steal” in Steel City. Told you it was a slow news day.