Don’t want to follow the news? Bluff it.

Here are five things you should pretend to know about this sunburnt weekend.

Pink Shnack

Cadbury’s are giving the two fingers to fans of the nation’s beloved pink “Shnack” bar. The popular treat has been reduced from three fingers to two. One outraged punter said: “Got a cup of tea in work, went for the usual pink Snack and it’s downsized. It’s bad enough that the third left you wanting more, but two is not enough for a cup of tea. I refuse to buy the two finger pink Snack now.” Cadbury’s have cited financial woes as the reason for scaling down the bar. They should have just eliminated the Tiffin bar, the scabs.

Winner takes it all

The cute hoor that won the €94m Euromillions jackpot have collected their winnings at Lotto headquarters and wish to remain anonymous. “I’m absolutely thrilled,” they said in a statement. “Dreams do come true. The news is still sinking in so for the moment I’d like to keep the win private. I’m looking forward to thinking about all the opportunities that are now open to me. It’s a really exciting time!” We’re excited too (yeh fecker). No honestly, we are. (fecker)

Timezone

TDs will today debate a proposal from Labour TD Tommy Broughan about changing Ireland’s time zone – which would eliminate the clocks going forward/clocks going back discussion that has entertained the people of Ireland since time itself began. Broughlan says joining Central European Time (CET) would gain over 300 hours of light for Ireland a year.

Youth unemployment

Youth employment will be the main focus of discussions at a meeting of North South Ministerial Council in Dublin Castle today (Friday) and Taoiseach Enda Kenny will chair the event. Before Enda heads in, he might want to check out the results of our National Student Survey – half of students in Ireland do not have a part-time job and 41pc are funded by their parents.

Boilin'

Root out the bikini again – Met Éireann reports that temperatures could reach up to 25 degrees Celsius in some parts of the country today. The weather looks good for the next 10 days, so beers outside and BBQs for the weekend. Wayhey!