Walter Cronkite me arse.

Here are five things you should pretend to know this Wednesday – and if you’re looking for royal baby updates, feck off to here.

Michael D is (not) gay

US financial magazine Forbes has apologised to President Michael D Higgins for calling him gay. Forbes issued an apology hours after publishing an article online in which Michael D was described as an “acknowledged homosexual”. The author of the article said it was the worst mistake of his career. That fella needn’t beat himself up so much for his error – it’s not as if we all haven’t thought it at some stage.

Sexting

Seeing as there are no Dáil sittings for the next few weeks, we have to look abroad for politicians shaming themselves. And would you look at that: New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner is refusing to pull the plug on his campaign after admitting that he has been sexting and sending explicit photos to a young woman – which she says began months after he resigned from the US Congress for similar behaviour. That Weiner lad should spend less time thinking through his wiener (geddit?).

Drink driving appeal

Oh hang on there, now – there might be a bit of shcandal this side of the water after all. Fine Gael councillor Michael Hegarty has successfully appealed a drink-driving conviction. Michael, a former chairman of the Cork Joint Policing Committee, was involved in an incident in which he sped away from a garda checkpoint before abandoning his car and hiding in a bush. He was well over the limit at the time. However, the councillor’s conviction and penalties (two years off the road and a €600 fine) have been dismissed because he was placed in a garda car before he was cautioned and formally detained, which constitutes unlawful detention. Fair play, Mick.

Timewaster

Property developer Kevin McGeever has been charged with wasting garda time after he claimed he was abducted for eight months. Kevin will appear in court in Co Roscommon today. He wouldn’t be the first fella in property development who could be accused of wasting time.

Arse stuck

And finally, a woman in her 30s got her arse stuck in a wall as she sat down to rest after a night out. The woman was heard screaming “don’t do this to me” by a couple at around 1.30am. The couple thought she was being attacked and went to help. They called 999 when they found the woman with her bum stuck in a wall. She was quickly freed by emergency crews. “The wall was made up of stone pillars, varied in shape and size,” firefighter Neil Mason said. “We managed to get her to reverse out through a gap.” Was he looking for us to make a joke when he said “reverse” and “gap” in his statement?