The News at One can just feck off.

Here are five things you should pretend to know about this Thursday.

“Dougal” returns

Father Dougal is to return to our TV screens – sort of. Comedian Ardal O’Hanlon is to star in a new sitcom based on Irish culture called London Irish. The show is about four friends “too drunk to know where they’re going, or remember where they’ve been. If there had been a plan, it wouldn’t have been this.” Sounds like something more suited to this lad.

Careless caretaker

A caretaker employed to guard $100,000 (€75,000) worth of vintage whiskey is being prosecuted for drinking it all. John Saunders is accused of downing over 50 bottles of the 100-year-old drink over a 12-month period. Sure €75k is NOTHING to spend on drink...

Savage rain

Thundery downpours have caused “an eruption” in call outs for the Dublin fire brigade. The roof of Clery’s has been badly damaged and part of the roof at the Mater hospital was also damaged in the heavy rain. There has been widespread disruption to public transport services. Things were bad beyond the Pale as well – there was bad flooding in Midleton, Co Cork last night. This is our penance for enjoying ourselves during the heatwave.

Scalp

New Zealand has banned the film Maniac. The horror movie starring Elijah Wood is about a scalp-collecting serial killer and is a remake of the 1980 slasher film and has been deemed too graphic for general release. The ban means that the film can only be screened at festivals or as part of academic study. So students studying a BA in Psychotic Behaviour will have access to the sick flick.

Flamin’ gala

And finally, Alf Stewart is coming to Ireland. Home and Away star Ray Meagher will be in the country around Christmas time. He is available for hire for red carpet events, parties and nightclubs. Keep an eye on the Alf Stewart Official Tour Facebook page for updates.