Don’t want to follow the news? Bluff it.

Don’t want to follow the news? Bluff it.

Here are five things you should pretend to know about this (finally) sunny Thursday

No ridin’

Cyclists will be hit with on-the-spot fines if they break a red light or cycle on a footpath. The Government is to introduce new laws that will allow the guards to impose €50 fines against cyclists who break road safely laws. The move comes after independent TD Finian McGrath went nuts last May over cyclists for being arrogant and not respecting other road users.

TDs frustrated

A research paper by UCC reveals that first-time TDs feel overwhelmed and frustrated by life inside the Dáil. The study calls for a more sophisticated induction process that helps develop TDs’ knowledge, skills and abilities. – so that those outside the Dáil won’t be so overwhelmed and frustrated by the lack of knowledge, skills and abilities of TDs.

Dáiliday!

There’ll be a significant increase in pasty, fat, bald men hitting the beach over the next eight weeks – the Dáil adjourns tonight until September 18. When TDs get back from their holiers, the Coalition will be moving into its most intensive phase of the Budget process. But till then it’s BBQ time!

Asbo

Dublin City Council (DCC) is planning on setting up a sting on people selling illegal cigarettes on the street – and those caught selling dodgy fags could be given ASBOs.

F**king-jaysus-SUSI

Students who are still waiting on their college grants from last year are invited to complain to the Office of the Ombudsman if they have exhausted all avenues with SUSI (undoubtedly, most students will have given SUSI the bitch and ear full at this stage). The continuing delay with SUSI means that students have problems viewing exam results and cannot be sure they will progress into the next college year. The blood boils…