Don’t want to follow the news? Bluff it.

Here are five things you should pretend to know about this worryingly cloudy Monday.

Weatherman

Ken Ring – the guru weatherman from New Zealand – predicts that the good weather is going to last until September 11. The forecaster and writer said: “August should be mostly dry and warm, with only a handful of rainy days. The second and last weeks should be the hottest.” Meanwhile Deirdre Lowe from Met Éireann says the good weather will continue for the rest of the week. Pfffft. Yeah, thanks for that Deirdre…

Nu langwich

A linguist from the University of Michigan has discovered that young people living in a North Australian village have created a new language with unique grammatical rules. Dr Carmel O’Shannessy has been studying the young people’s speech for over a decade. The language called Warlpiri rampaku is spoken only by people under 35 in Lajamanu village, which has a population of about 700. “Many of the first speakers of this language are still alive,” said researcher at the University of Queensland Mary Laughren. Dr Carmel obviously hasn't read any YouTube comments - a unique (profanity-laden) language with its own unique grammatical rules (that are non-existent).

Brave face

Battered Irishman Robbie Thackaberry has avoided breaking any bones or suffering any internal damage after being crushed by bulls at the annual bull running festival in Pamplona. In fact, the engineer was able to smile in this photo on his Facebook page.

JK Rowling is a man

Harry Potter author JK Rowling has revealed that she is in actual fact a man – well, not quite. The bestselling author has said that she published the novel The Cuckoo’s Calling under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith. Literary critics became suspicious about the phoney name after they noticed that the supposedly novice writer shared the same agent as Rowling. According to The Daily Mail, sales of The Cuckoo’s Calling increased by 5,000% since Rowling revealed her true identity.

Birthday disaster

Police were called to a children’s centre in North London after a father refused to stop singing Happy Birthday at his daughter’s birthday party. The dad, Colm Doherty, was told his group was not allowed sing the song for his eight-year-old daughter, Cara, because they had not paid for a “birthday package”. Despite paying £300 on food, fizzy drinks and entry fees at the Clowntown Children’s centre, a staff member tried to intervene as the group lit candles on a birthday cake and started to sing Happy Birthday. When the dad stood in front of the receptionist to stop her from interrupting the party of 18 children, she contacted the police. Obviously, no action was taken against Mr Doherty.