Don't want to follow the news? Bluff it.

Here are five things to pretend to know this Monday.

Robocop

A Garda is recovering in hospital after being run over by a stolen car. Garda Karen Duffy was by a Nissan Micra, which had been stolen by four teenagers. It is the third time Garda Duffy, who is in her 20s, has been seriously injured in the line of duty. She has previously been the victim of an assault and was also injured when the car she was travelling in was rammed.

Transfer deadline day

Today is the final day that football clubs around the world are permitted to sign players. Transfer deadline day usually signals a flurry of moves, with clubs desperate to add to their squad before the deadline passes. Gareth Bale completed his move to Real Madrid earlier, with the Spanish club paying more than €100m for the Welsh winger.  

Geek pride

The term geek has become complement rather than a term of abuse. The meaning of the word has changed due to technological innovations and the rise of social media. Intelligence and having a passion for a hobby scored higher than, good looks, muscle size and dress sense combined in those surveyed.

You taking the p**s?

Footballers in the Airtricity League have been warned not to empty their bladders in public. Referees have been instructed to dismiss any player or official who is found relieving themselves in public.

Heaney laid to rest.

The funeral of Nobel Prize winning poet Seamus Heaney has taken place in Dublin. Taoiseach Enda Kenny and President Michael D.Higgins and U2 were among the mourners. The poet will be laid to rest in Co Derry.