Bluff the news.

Here are four things you should pretend to know this Tuesday.

Top Trump

Donald Trump has revealed that he believes that America is “a laughing stock”.  He said that the Republicans need to put up the perfect candidate however, he wouldn’t say whether he intends to run for the next election, which almost certainly means he will.  Nothing says a bright future like the possibility of having a man who can’t even run the Miss Universe competition, running for the president of the United States.  How bad a state is the Rebublican party in that Donald Trump is still considered a remote possibility for the candidacy?  Sometimes I just despair.

Rooney

Wayne Rooney’s ludicrous transfer saga continues with the “angry and confused” striker not appearing in United’s weekend Charity Shield Victory.  How they expect this poor man to work for up to two hours a day for £250,000 a week is beyond me.  They should put young Wayne on the Trócaire box next year, only seems fair to the lad.

He’s Harry Styles and he “twerks” where he wants

One Direction’s curly haired front man caused Twitter to go into a case of hysteria after his impromptu dancing at the Teen Choice awards.  He joined an ever growing list of celebrities to join the new “twerking” craze.  The phrase “white boys can’t dance” comes to mind.

Shell

Allegations have arisen that the company working for Shell on their Corrib Gas project gave Guards €35,000 worth of alcohol.  ‘Shell to Sea’ are now calling for a “fully independent international inquiry” into the allegations.  I’ll save them some time, if you want to see Guards drink 35,000 worth of alcohol; go to Coppers on a night of your choosing, allegedly of course.