Don’t want to follow the news? Bluff it.

Here are five things to pretend to know this Friday.

Seamus Heaney dies

Irish poet and playwright Seamus Heaney has died at the age of 74. The Nobel laureate died at a Dublin hospital this morning after a short illness. Heaney’s poetry is a feature of English at leaving cert level.

Toetally disgusting

A customer at a Canadian bar has been fined after swallowing a human toe. The severed toe was added to a shot of whiskey as part of a Canadian tradition. The ritual involves someone drinking the ‘Sourtoe Cocktail’ and having the toe touch their lips but not swallowing it The toes come from living donors who had them amputated due to illness or accidents. The bar is now on the lookout for a replacement toe.

Widower’s love song makes the charts

A 96-year-old man has entered the iTunes top 10 alongside Katy Perry and Lady GaGa. Widower Fred Stobaugh has no musical experience and wrote the song on a whim for a songwriting competition. Organiser were so touched by Fred’s lament for his dead wife that they decided to put the words to music. Oh Sweet Lorraine has climbed to no 7 on the US iTunes chart and the video has clocked up 1.7 million views on YouTube.

Hussein in the membrane

British defence secretary Philip Hammond was left red faced after appearing to confuse Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad with former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein. The Conservative politician got the two confused when appearing on BBC’s Newsnight programme. Mr Hammond called for international action against Hussein. Phil he’s already dead.

Dublin full of t***s

A new graphic reveals which counties are the most active users of Twitter. Dublin is respnsible for over 36 per cent of all Irish activity on the social media site, with Cork next at 12 per cent. Longford featured last in the list, representing just 0.28 per cent of Irish tweets.