Don't want to follow the news? Bluff it.

Here are five things to pretend to know this Monday.

What an arse

Cheryl Cole’s efforts to make herself not look like a complete chav have gone out the window with the photo of her new tattoo that emerged over the weekend.  It is a giant tattoo which covers her entire derriere.  Horrified critics fear that this will encourage a new trend for young girls to follow.  I’m sorry but if any teenage girl is stupid enough to follow the lead of a woman, who thinks it’s a good idea to have her entire arse tattooed, they deserve everything they get.

Forget me not

A game between Sheffield Wednesday and Millwall doesn’t exactly sound like a place for great entertainment but that’s exactly what fans got during their game this weekend.  Just prior to kick-off, Millwall discovered that they had forgotten their playing kit.  Instead, they were forced to wear Sheffield’s away kit for the first half, with the problem being rectified for the second half.  You have to question how good their kit man is, I mean he has one job, bring the kit.  That’s like a chef forgetting how to cook or a cast member of Geordie Shore forgetting how to drink and sleep with randomers, perish the thought.

Bad meets evil

Brian Cranston has been cast as Lex Luther in the sequel to Man of Steel.  Movie bosses must be hopeful that bringing in the Breaking Bad star will add to the hype surrounding the film.  With Breaking Bad coming to an end, the in demand actor has chosen a new type of role to get his acting chops around.  I was never a big Superman fan but the prospect of Walter White vs Superman is enough to give a comic book fan a heart attack. That is if said fan hasn’t already passed out after seeing a girl.

Heading in another direction?  

One Direction are now using Ireland to manage part of their ‘corporate structure’.  The offices, which are based in Limerick, have all the band members listed as directors, all but one of them.  Our very own Niall Horan is not listed.  This is only adding to the rumours that Mr Horan might not be in the band forever.  The Harry Styles bromance may not be here to stay.

You beauty

Cardiff City pulled off the biggest upset of the Premier League so far when they beat big spending Manchester City 3-2 yesterday.  As an impartial viewer I will say that the defeat comes as a surprise.  As a Manchester United fan however, I will, that it was absolutely hilarious and long may their demise continue, in a totally balanced, unbiased way of course.