Don’t get me wrong; I’m a huge fan of grabbing bargains online. Many an hour have I wasted inside the virtual bargain bin at Missguided and Boohoo, where the odds of ending up with costumes seemingly taken straight off the set of Aladdin instead of gold sequin leggings (actually happened), is dangerously higher than in real life. Far be it from me to berate the dozens of weekends happily spent by students lolling around spas or kayaking in a county that you only vaguely know exists. However, it would also be ridiculous of me to not acknowledge how downright strange some of GroupOn’s offers can be. Here are a few of my personal favourites:
1. 'Get The Guy': Six-Hour Dating Seminar For Women
To be fair, we’ve all had our moments where we’ve accepted the possibility of a future spent watching reruns of Millionaire Matchmaker and sharing our homes with sixteen cats, but I don’t think we need some suave English guy telling us what we’re doing wrong. Featuring a New York Times bestselling author Matthew Hussey who, “takes participants through the three key principles of dating: finding, attracting, and keeping the guy.” If you’ve been unlucky in love, he’ll share with you “'The Attraction Formula' designed to create long-lasting attraction, and delve into the psychology of men.” (They’re simple beings who appreciate affection and their other halves being sound just like you do.) Here’s a thought: Maybe if you haven’t found the guy you’re looking it may say more about the men you’ve met than you and the horrible mistakes you apparently make. Over 120 bought apparently, oh dear…
2. Online Animal Psychology Diploma
“Why do dogs roll in the smelliest things? Why do cats bring us presents? What do the funny squeaks rabbits make mean?” Why I don’t know GroupOn, please do enlighten us with your offer. If you’ve been confused by your dog’s bizarre clawing at the door, or wondering whether your cat is comfort eating, worry no more: The deal offers a one year course, covering subjects as diverse as canine sociology (that’s apparently an actual thing) and cat and rabbit body language. Sure you’d be probably as likely to get a job out of it as you would from your Arts degree, sadly enough.
3. HoMedics Relaxation Fountain
Have you ever craved the steady trickle of a water feature in the middle of your sitting room to kick-start your kidneys into overdrive? Well now you don’t have to. What is described as a, “spherical fountain with two candles and pebbles” could be making it into your home, delivered free. And just in case you don’t have several bags of them already lying collecting dust in your drawers, this inside water feature comes free with two tea lights. Pebbles, you say? The ultimate accessory in home décor.
4. Personalised Wooden Boards
Do you and your roommate have constant battles about whose crumbs went mouldy on the breadboard? Well now you can have your very own board to cut your assorted food on. It will now become immediately obvious who ate half a block of cheese in one sitting. Oops.
5. Gold or Silver-Plated Playing Cards
Have those cards you got for a euro in Tiger with the assorted sweets covers been bringing down your game during poker nights? Don’t worry, people will definitely take your gambling seriously if you tell them you bought a pack of these bad boys. Sure worst comes to worst and you lose your entire month’s rent on what you had serious conviction was a Royal Flush, you can always melt these down and buy yourself a chicken fillet baguette.