Our Satire Editor Orla Keaveney reports on Bishop Cullinan's comments.
Medical professionals across the country have applauded Bishop Cullinan of Waterford for his illuminating comments on the HPV vaccine. By misquoting statistics on the vaccine’s effectiveness, and condemning the medication for promoting sexual activity, the bishop has saved countless lives according to leading experts.
“I’m ashamed to say that I was once a supporter of the HPV vaccine” says one Galway doctor, who asked to remain anonymous. “I foolishly believed the extensive research, the rigorous trials, the overwhelming evidence that the vaccine prevents cervical cancers. All along, I should have been listening to the one source that truly counts – an elderly man with no medical training that has never been sexually active in his life.”
The doctors of Ireland have immediately stopped administering the drug, instead issuing rosary beads and miniature bibles to their patients. The media has expressed its admiration for Bishop Cullinan, for having the courage to speak up on the issue: as a white, well-paid male in a position of authority within the community, it’s a miracle that he was even given a platform.
The World Health Organisation has promised that it will consult untrained bishops in all future decisions, comparing their contribution to medical knowledge with moms who share anti-vaxxer blog posts on Facebook.
Despite the Bishop's claim that he put his comments "across in a hamfisted way", people are still turning to Bishop Cullinan for more advice and guidance. It's clear that his apologies will not awash the great impact and influence he, and his fellow clergymen, have on the Irish people.
Whether he likes it or not, his words still cause a ripple across Irish society, and he will have to come to terms with his position amongst the Irish people.
Still here? Read next: Our Top 4 Picks For Going To The Cinema Tonight