*This guide, while created for educational purposes, should not be taken seriously and makes frequent use of stereotypes.

Getting to your accommodation (or using the that shiny silver yoke that looks nothing like a tractor)

The day has come for you to leave your beloved Massey Ferguson at home on the farm and venture to the big smoke. Your mammy’s warned you not to look strangers in the eye and to keep your Club Orange and Tayto crisps to yourself at all times. When you step off the train at Heuston, the first thing you’ll see is the Luas (a big long silver yoke that carries people and their Tayto and other valuable items to all areas of the city) buy a ticket for the Luas from one of the machines- there are nice men in stab proof vests to help you (forget what your ma said about looking strangers in the eye here). 

These men can also help you with which stop you should get off at for your accommodation.  Another option is to take the bus but the amount of options here can be a wee bit befuddling however it does say the main areas it stops at on the front of the bus and the driver will be able to help with specific stops and probably tell you what bus to get if you’re on the wrong one.

Housemates: or those wagons you’ll be living with for the next year.

Maybe you’ll be lucky and end up with the soundest folks this side of the Shannon but chances are you’ll end up with some awful eejits, and if you do end up with a load of wagons just remember it’s not for the rest of your life and try not to make any enemies.  Don’t follow your mammy’s rule about not sharing your Tayto and club orange here; sharing them means you are much more likely to have friends in the house and your housemates may start considering you to be the soundest lad/lassie they’ve ever met.  If you’re sharing a house (or gaff as some of your more sophisticated new friends might call it) with members of the opposite sex, then remember even if he/she is the most beautiful thing you’ve seen since your ma made the barnbrac last Halloween you will have to face them even if your budding romance doesn’t work out well.  The same logic applies to drinking, and we don’t mean minerals.  Alcohol can cause even the soundest people to act like wagons and do things that they’d never normally dream of doing and the same logic applies to this as to dating - you will have to look these people in the eye for at least a year.  So drinking in moderation is essential except for fresher’s week, where it goes without saying that over-consumption of everything is mandatory and it also helps break the ice in the house.

Entertainment: or what to do when you are shamelessly avoiding college work

·         Cinema: The Cineworld on Parnell street (get off at the Jervis Luas stop and its round the corner) is easily the best, it has 17 screens, a special student price  and a whole shop just selling ice cream in all manner of quare and exotic flavours.

·         Drinkin’: there are a large number of watering holes in the capital some of our personal favourites are Solas on Aungier street and Fibbers on Parnell street, Coppers, Tripod, Dicey's etc. 

·         Museums: for those who are more intellectually-inclined there is a large number of museums in Dublin many of them free including the national museum on Kildare Street, the Hugh Lane municipal gallery and the Natural History Museum.

·         Clubbing: see table below

Club of the Day

INFO

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

 

Club M

Purty Kitchen

Dandelion

The Academy

Break for the Border

Cost:

€8

€5

€8

€5

 

Location:

Temple Bar

Temple Bar

St Stephen’s Green

Abbey street

Just off Grafton street

Pros:

Is very popular with students from all colleges in Dublin so there’s always a good varied crowd

Has the option of a quieter bar downstairs if you fancy a quiet atmosphere.

Right across from the green line luas at the side of Saint Stephen’s green.

Handily located beside two luas stops just off O’Connell street.

Located five minutes’ walk away from Grafton street (one of the main places  to go shopping aka pick up some new rags for the local under 18’s disco)

Cons

Can be hard to find if you’re not familiar with the area

 Like Club M it can be hard to find if you’re not familiar with the area like you won’t be.

Fills up quickly so you need to get there early: doors open at half ten.

The smoking area is just an uncovered area at the front door providing no shelter from the worst of the Irish weather.

The crowd can be full of auld ones if you go on a week night

 

 

The Lingo: Or how to understand all these people shouting at you

Sophisticated person                                           Bogger

Excellent                                                                     Mighty

Broken                                                                       Banjaxed

Drunk                                                                         Scuttered

Very                                                                             Quare

Meet                                                                            Shift

Collapse                                                                     Flop

Vez jel                                                                         Quare jealous

Woman                                                                       Beor

Babe                                                                            General term of affection

Annoying person                                                       Wagon

Brilliant                                                                       Savage

Cool                                                                            Sound

Baby                                                                            Babs