Aido Dundass takes a sardonic and sexist look at the do’s and don’ts of finding a place to live for college.

Finding accommodation can be quite a stressful experience for people who are about to start their first year of college. Cost, distance from college and whether or not you have broadband are the least of your worries as I’m about to run you through the do's and don’ts of looking for accommodation.

Do

  • Look for the cheapest place possible. This might seem weird for all you youngsters that are used to the best of the best but you have to remember that in a week you’ll have the place in a state anyway, plus living in a nice house is going to mean jack s**t when you’re getting evicted half way through the year. Remember, the worse the house is, the sounder the landlord is.
  • Move in with a girl. I mean this from a practical standpoint, not so that you can try to it on when you’re both drunk. In fact the girl you move in with can be as rough as a dog’s arse. The reason you want to move in with a girl is simple. Food. Find a woman who can cook and ask her does she want to get a house Simple.
  • I’ve run out of dos. So to summarise, you want a cheap house and someone to cook for you. It’s not f**kin’ rocket science is it?

Don’t

  • Move in with foreigners. I know that may seem a bit xenophobic but allow me to explain myself. I don’t mean all foreigners, just Germans (although other nationalities might be equally as weird). It’s hard to enjoy yourself in their company as they just don’t have the same appetite for craic as we do. An awkward shower but if you’re unfortunate that you do have to share accommodation with Germans just remember, don’t mention the war.
  • Move in with a lot of girls, especially if you’re the only lad. You may think to yourself that it’s going to be like one massive orgy but is it? Is it really? Chances are if a bunch of girls are comfortable enough to move into a house with you that it’s pretty clear where you stand.
  • Share a room with another lad. Let’s be honest it’s not ideal and it’s a bit awkward. Unless you like that kind of thing then more power to you.
  • Wreck the gaff. At the start anyway because you don’t want to be out on your ass after 2 weeks, if you do happen to punch a hole in the wall just make sure you have the wherewithal to fill the hole with newspaper and plaster over it. The landlord may be pissed about the hole but you might redeem yourself with your top notch tradesman ship.

The steps above are just a guideline and are not guaranteed to work. Your results may vary, terms and conditions apply.