You’re going to have to do it eventually, but before you buckle down (the night before the exam) you can procrastinate by doing basically anything else in the entire world. Here are ten ways to ignore your responsibilities and pretend that everything will work out just fine..just fine..just fine…
Sweet, merciful food. Food won’t judge me. I can judge myself thank you very much. How are you supposed to get any work done unless you’re stuffed to the gills anyway? You could order a takeaway, conserve your energy for the studying. That’ll buy some time as well, no point starting until after it arrives and that could take a good hour if you order from somewhere unnecessarily far away. Or better yet, you could learn to cook properly. Sign up for a class and then go out and buy a set of stupidly expensive knives you’ll only ever use to slice up frozen pizzas.
Make a Playlist
Ah, the playlist. Our generation’s answer to the mixtape. Only without any of the romance, care or attention to detail. You can’t possibly study in silence, so it’s time to craft a collection of songs that could inspire George R. R. Martin to finally sit down and get to work on that next book. So open up Spotify, or dive into your back-catalogue that you definitely paid for and legally acquired, because it’s time to waste an entire day picking out the highlights from Will Smith’s discography.
Ask for an Extension
Now this one is an old favourite. I’m struggling to recall a single assignment in my final year of
college that wasn’t extended by at least a few days. Round up your sob stories and heap the pressure upon whatever poor, unfortunate soul ended up as class rep, because it’s time to negotiate. Depending on the lecturer involved, and the tenacity of your representative, this may or may not work, but anything is worth a shot at this stage, eh? Even if they say no, there’s always Plan B, and Plan B is fool proof (kind of) - “What if we just all to refuse to hand it in on time, they can’t fail everyone!”
The house is beginning to look a bit more crack den than a bachelor pad, so there’s no better time to go all Barry Scott than the day before an exam. Ignore the fact that you could just go and study in the library, you couldn’t possibly concentrate knowing that the house is such a mess anyway. Try and fail to get that sticky residue off the floor (and the walls), throw all the rubbish into somebody else’s bins and ignore the mountain of empty bottles because they’re just too much work.
You’re all in this together, so you might as well try and learn together. You’ve seen study groups work in wholesome TV shows and they never lie. So after you’ve given up on properly cleaning the house and resigned yourself to losing the deposit, send out a group text inviting the whole class over. Better get some refreshments in as well, it’d be rude not to offer everyone a drink when they arrive. Then, after you’ve lied to yourselves for about half an hour, you can all collectively make the poor decision of getting hammered and going into town instead of doing any work.
Buy New Stationery
Obviously nobody uses a pen and paper to study anymore and all your notes are available online anyway, but how could you possibly learn anything without investing in an overpriced pen that you’ll lose within the week? That desk you’ve got is looking pretty shoddy as well, could be time to buy a new one? Better yet, take up carpentry and build yourself a brilliant new desk. Even better again, drop out of college and take up carpentry full-time. All that fancy book learning is only nonsense anyway.
Check Every Social Media App
Sink countless unproductive hours into stalking vapid representations of people you don’t really know on the internet. Nobody has anything interesting to say and they’re endlessly saying it so you’ll never run out of procrastination material. You can read empty words, look at boring pictures and damage your self-esteem to your heart’s content.
Bargain with Yourself
The semester may have begun with aspirations of high marks, great feedback and a first class honours degree at the end of it all, but now it’s crunch time and the dream is obviously dead in the water. It’s time to bargain with yourself. Sit down, see where you stand in terms of your grades so far. Hopefully, you’ll have pulled something special out of the bag earlier in the semester so you can afford to not show up for the final exam and still pass somehow. Realistically though, you’re up shit creek without a paddle so you’ll have to scare yourself into finally studying.
To really escape your responsibilities, nothing beats the sweet oblivion of sleep. How can you possibly worry about your future if you’re not even conscious? Put your anxiety to bed and drift off into a deep, carefree slumber. It’s time to put yourself into sleep mode and conserve your energy for the inevitable nervous breakdown once you wake up.
You’ve exhausted all the other options and woken up in a cold sweat at two in the morning. It’s time for the final step before conceding defeat and actually doing some study. Attempt to get dressed, give up midway through putting on your socks and sit on the floor crying bitter tears of regret, panic and self-loathing.