Know when to go: signs that the night is about to head south

No matter what kind of night you’ve had – good, bad or boppin’ – there comes a point in every night out when the Gods are hinting that it’s time to make the pilgrimage home. The point in question can be fickle, and comes at different stages for different people. 
As I near graduation of my three-year Bachelor’s Degree in ‘College Nights Out’, I think I am qualified to instill some wisdom on these subtle bodily and psychological warnings. 
The foot cramp 
Listen to your feet. This is one of the oldest signs in the book, but one which we stiletto wearing ladies love to ignore. There’s a moment on the dance floor, it may be fleeting, when even a subtle foot shuffle ignites a wave of pain. 
You plant your feet as in a game of stuck in the mud, bounce at the knees and allow your upper body to compensate with a higher gear of fist-pumping. Avoid looking like a dancing chicken, and exit the building. 
The cubicle DMC 
Just to clarify – I’m not talking about the ‘you’re-my-best-friend’ spiel that is liable to break out like a rash at any and every stage of the night. 
No, I mean the cubicle D.M.C (deep meaningful conversation, to those of you unfamiliar with the phrase) with the girl in the queue behind you who you mistake as your soul sister because she, like you (and everyone else in the club) fancies someone – would you believe. 
Take a second before you divulge the autobiography of your romantic life to this stranger, unlock the cubical and swiftly order yourself a taxi. It’s time to go home.
The awareness 
This one is the hardest to diagnose as it can manifest itself in many different emotions and come from many different scenarios. 
It is a slow process by which you become acutely aware of your circumstances – how much money you’ve spent, the pain in your feet, the stickiness of the floor, the brushing of sweaty arms and the ringing of ears. 
Many panic at these signs for fear of becoming ‘no craic’, but do not fear, this simply means your craic has been spent. 
The booty flop 
Some signs are more worrying than others, and this is certainly one of them. You feel a sense of fatigue encroaching, but can’t tell what caused it. 
You’re waiting for the DJ to save you with a proper banger to allow the wave of tiredness to break. On comes ‘Crazy In Love’ and you feel a sense of paralysis in your bottom. 
You want to pop that booty so badly, but you simply can’t. Don’t panic, you’re not dying, but the night certainly is. 
Of course, there are certainly some more obvious signs that beckon you home, but who really needs a reminder of them? 
The key is to listen to your body, stay yourself and avoid a garlic cheese chips if it’s the last thing you do. 
Know your limits and have more fun in the process. Visit Diageo’s Stay Yourself Campaign at http://www.stay-yourself.eu/ for more information.