Campus.ie has received exclusive information about Trump’s three-pronged master plan to eliminate all multicultural influence from America. But be warned, he has his eyes set on the Irish...
This summer, world news has been dominated by the U.S Presidential dogfight between Trump and Clinton.
While the rivalry appears to have simmered down in recent weeks, Campus.ie has received exclusive information that will leave the media aghast once more.
The anonymous source of this scoop is a reliable and trusted member of the Campus.ie network whose brother’s girlfriend’s Dad is the doorman at the US Embassy in Dublin.
According to the source, Trump’s Mexican-withholding wall is just the tip of a very vast iceberg of laws, aimed at returning America to its purest form: a several-million-strong team of pizza-eating, English-speaking, Caucasian baseball players.
Trump’s master plan consists of the following three-pronged approach to easily eliminate all multicultural influence from one of the world’s most diverse nations.
Target 1: The Mexicans
We’ve all heard about the wall, but Campus.ie’s source brings us new details regarding further proposed attempts to keep the Mexicans out.
Allegedly, Trump’s inauguration speech will be the launch pad for a nationwide campaign entitled ‘This is Nacho Country!’, aiming to pretend that no good has come from Mexican immigration to the States. The campaign will spawn a number of initiatives including sombrero shaming, moustache mortification and piñata prohibition.
Despite strong advice to include a ‘Boycott Burritos’ programme to the campaign, reports state that Trump has ruled out the possibility stating, "Burritos are too good not to be American, man".
Target 2: The Chinese
It’s no secret that China is one of America’s greatest rivals in economic terms. With Chinatowns playing a prominent role in most American cities it would be only logical for Trump to assume that the Chinese are planning to cooperate to replace the States with the United Chinatowns of America.
For fear of seeing red lanterns floating above every American suburb, Trump is proposing to rename all Chinatowns ‘Melaniatown’ in a radical feminist commemoration to his wife, Melania.
Melaniatowns will have their own Snapchat filter and sell strictly American cuisine such as French fries, sushi and pizza, all close to the native Slovenian’s American heart.
Target 3: The Irish
The one historical event which has caused a 21st century billionaire as much grief as it did its original victims is, of course, the Great Famine.
The horror, which in Trump’s eyes claimed as many Americans as it did Irish, sees every second US citizen claiming to be of leprechaun descent, therefore halving the population of Trump-worthy Americans.
In response, Trump is set to deport any O-s, Mc-s and Murphys back to the lands of their great, great, great Grandfathers’ cousins’ daughters, never to step foot near a St. Patty’s Day parade again.
Trump will also stop dyeing his hair red, and increase the legal drinking age for Irish in America to 75.