Satire

How to find student housing? lower your standards and lie

With the housing crisis in full effect as thousands of students flock to the cities to start college again, only a lucky few have managed to find somewhere suitable for the upcoming academic year. 
 
We spoke to two such miracle workers who agreed to let us in on a few tips to get sorted for somewhere to live.
 
“The trick to not being homeless is just to have no standards whatsoever,” Stu says. “I made the mistake at first for having a certain type of place in mind. I was looking since last May and I really wanted somewhere close to college, living with like-minded people with a room big enough for a desk. I didn’t think that would be too difficult, but Jesus.”
 
“After the hundredth visit to Rent.ie you really start to see where you’re going wrong,” Rebecca, a philosophy student adds. 
 
“You’re refreshing the page every 5 minutes, but there’s nothing new there or it’s all shite. It’s kind of like when you know you need to eat something but there’s nothing good in the fridge, but you keep going back because you have to eat. Eventually that bit of mouldy cheese at the back of the fridge starts to look fairly appetising. Except that bit of mouldy cheese costs 800 quid a month,” Rebecca explains.
 
Stu continues by saying, “I mean, we have to lower our standards a fair bit, but the landlords get to pick and choose who they want. To be honest, the only reason I got the place I did was because I told a few white lies. I’m heading into first year doing Arts, but as far as my landlord knows, I’m a Postgraduate who’s also working full time. I’m also a woman.”
 
When it comes to finding affordable housing, the two have some simple tips to ensure you’re not caught short when the rent is due.
 
“Landlords are able to charge us whatever they want, which is only fair seeing as students are the most wealthy demographic in the country,” Stu says.
 
“However you’d be hard pushed to find somewhere for less than 400 a month. So while we’re all obviously rolling in money, it doesn’t hurt to get a little extra income,” he adds.
 
“Unfortunately there’s shite all jobs around too so you have to think outside of the box,” Rebecca adds. “I’ve recently become the finest drug dealer in all of Galway, but I don’t know how I’m going to carry that on when I move into my new gaff as I’m living with an elderly married couple in the back arse of nowhere who have an absolute no-visitors rule. But at least I’m not homeless.”
 
Hat-tip to Stu and Rebecca for these great and easy tips on finding student housing!
 
Rebecca is in a box room a short cycle from a bus route that takes her only a 20 minute commute to college, and the ever-lucky Stu is in a shed between a lawnmower and a freezer for a tidy 600 euro a month.
 
These two are living proof that there’s no real crisis, you lazy students just aren’t looking hard enough!
 
 
Photo: Ben Sutherland/ Flickr